Please, close your eyes and listen to the lyrics. Feel them.
While driving today, I glanced in the rear view mirror and saw the reflections of three beautiful faces. Joy permeated every cell of my being. I soaked it all in and continued driving. It was one of those moments you wish you could capture and hold onto forever. I did not always have the ability to experience joy.
Nine days after I turned 18, my mom died. She was sick for ten years so her death wasn’t sudden, but losing her was like a knock out punch straight to my heart. I battled depression for many years after she passed and dealt with it by eating too much, drinking too much, smoking, taking anti-depressants, and even making myself throw up sometimes. I remember going to the grocery store and buying foods that were easy to bring back up. I was sick and needed help. I was mean, miserable and unable to experience joy or open my heart to anyone. I didn’t even know who I was and I wasn’t willing to take the time to find out. I was a b@*#@ and I had no intention on changing that. I was cruelest to the people I loved the most, including myself.
One day, while I had the end of my toothbrush down my throat in order to make myself throw up, I realized I could not let my entire life pass me by while I was miserable. For some reason I felt that letting go of the pain would be letting go of my mom, and I wasn’t ready for that. Instead of harming myself that day, I went for a walk. It was then that I promised myself I would never intentionally self harm again. I joined the gym and began my healing journey.
Fast forward to now, and I am living that promise daily. I take it all in. I feel the hurt, the pain, the sadness, but also the joy, the love, the happiness and I am present. I am letting life in.