We’ve all been there before.  Something we said or did affected someone we care about, and it is our responsibility to apologize to them and make things right.  Whether or not your intention was to hurt the other person, the fact they feel hurt is enough of a reason for you to acknowledge their feelings and give them the apology they deserve.

Apologizing benefits both you and the other person.  A person who has been harmed feels emotional healing when they are acknowledged by our apology.   We all want to know we matter and that our feelings matter.  When we take responsibility for our actions, we can free ourselves from carrying the guilt of knowing we hurt someone.  By admitting we were wrong and working past our resistance to apologizing, we develop a deep sense of self-respect. 

By apologizing when needed, we remain emotionally connected to our friends and loved ones. Knowing we have wronged someone may cause us to distance ourselves from that person, but once we have apologized, we feel free to reestablish the intimacy of the relationship.

Your apology should be heartfelt and sincere.

My children often fight, and while I try to encourage them to come to resolution on their own, sometimes I need to remind them to apologize to their siblings if they have hurt them in some way.  You can always tell when their “I’m sorry” is just a quick attempt to avoid receiving a consequence for their behavior, or if they truly feel badly about what they’ve done. 

No one wants to be the recipient of a forced or meaningless apology.  If your apology is not sincere, wait until you mean it to apologize.  Without your sincerity, the apology means nothing and the other person may feel even more disrespected, which is obviously not the goal. 

A meaningful apology communicates the three R’s: regret, responsibility, and remedy. 

Regret: statement of regret for having caused the hurt or damage

While your intention may not have been to cause harm, you recognize that something you did hurt this person.  Remember you are not standing in someone else’s shoes, so it is not your place to determine what hurt them.

For example: I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I got impatient with you.  It was not my intention to make you feel badly.

Responsibility: an acceptance of responsibility for your actions

This means not blaming anyone else and not making excuses for what you did. You own up to your part of the matter, without harboring any feelings of blame. 

For example:  I shouldn’t have yelled at you.  I was feeling stressed out and I took it out on you.  You didn’t do anything to deserve it. 

Remedy: a statement of willingness to remedy the situation

While you can’t undo the past, you can repair the harm you caused. Therefore, a meaningful apology includes a plan for how to avoid the same thing occurring again.

For example: Next time I feel stressed out, I will be sure to take a few deep breaths so I can avoid losing my temper with you. 

Next time you owe someone an apology, be sure to offer it straight from your heart.